Stages of Grieving

The following poems have been written in the course of two years. I don't think they're in their final forms, but this is how they are now and I would like to share them. Please let me know what you think in the comments. I hope you like them.

“Stages of Grieving”

This Is Not Denial

I can still see her

in my mind’s eye.

Her dainty silhouette

and silk raven hair.

I can still hear her

in my sweetest dreams.

Her soft caring voice

and cheerful laugh.

It’s as if she is still with me

except our paths never cross.

She is still here by my side

just never within my reach.

Memories that once filled me with joy

are now subtly laced with sorrow,

for what good is remembering her smile

when I shall never see it again.

I don’t know how I’m going to go on

without her here to catch me when I fall.

But I know I must.

She wouldn’t want it any other way.

  

frustration

i’m waiting for the pain to disappear

and for normalcy to recommence

but i know things are never going to be the same

missing you will never get any easier

  

Missing You

I went to look at the starry sky

hoping to see you twinkling—smiling down at me.

But all I found was a cloud filled night,

Cold, empty of light,

empty of you.

My dreams are still infected with

Unfulfilled promises—

unachieved goals.

Broken wishes I did not have the time to keep.

I have run away from the world

to escape the shadows in my heart.

In this new barren place I’ve come to,

there are no traces— no reminders,

and you’ve become a figment of a memory.

Here there are no singing yellow daffodils

And thus I see no ghosts of you gardening them.

Here there are no whistling tall trees

And thus I have no desire to climb them with you.

No birds flying high in the air.

(You used to want to fly with them.)

No butterflies hiding in the bushes.

(You used to find them in their flowers.)

No songs to hum softly in the night.

(You used to fall asleep to them in my arms.)

Here, in my new haven, there is nothing— nothing

because you were my everything— everything

and now that you’re gone

what is there left for me?

Now I only have the nights

Where I find myself looking

Up to where there should be a sky.

 Where I still hope to see you

Twinkling

—smiling—

Smiling for me.

Bittersweet

At first I thought it was a blessing.

To dream of you,

to hear your voice.

to soak in the joy of your smile.

It was comforting to be with you

in the darkness between days

since I can never again

 be with you

in waking hours.

But now, these dreams hurt.

Tears have replaced mirth.

I am no longer the sure if the voice

I hear and think of as yours

is yours at all.

Did your smile really look like that?

I hope it did.

I hope I have not forgotten.

Because

 these memories my dreams corrupt

are all that I have left.

And even if they become nightmares

I will wait every night to dream of you again.

Blunt Acceptance

My mother is dead.

She died on the first day of Spring

almost two years ago.

Yes, I know you’re sorry

for my loss, and you know

how hard it can be

when you lose a loved one.

Thanks.

But I know some part of you thinks

that I should be “over it” by now.

A year has passed – almost two—

life goes on, I must too.

I know it.

I think it.

It doesn’t change anything.

My mother is dead.

Even if my dreams refuse to believe it,

even if I still hear her voice when I close my eyes,

even if I see her smile in distant mirages.

Some mornings I lay in bed,

paralyzed,

pretending that I am still dreaming.

Why should I have to wake up

when she never will?

I wish it were Spring.

This Winter has gone on for too long.

I now know why she waited so eagerly

for the snow to melt away with its frozen nights 

and for the first crocus to bloom with sunnier days.

I’m ready to cry in the sunshine.

Perhaps, when the skies are blue

I’ll stop feeling so gray,

so frozen.

I wish I were my mother.