Nathaniel and Demetri

Cryptic n. and adj. /ˈkrɪptɪk/

A. noun.  1. Communication of knowledge by secret methods. 2. Something enigmatic or hidden; a secret, a mystery. Now chiefly: an enigmatic remark, piece of writing, etc. 

B. adjective.  1. Not immediately understandable; mysterious, enigmatic. 2. Secret, concealed; occult, mystical. Also: cryptographic.

C. person. 1. Nathaniel, that boy from school who seems to be followed by a cloud of gloom and doom. He’s always off in some dark corner, looking like he hates the world. I mean does that kid know how to smile? I doubt it. What’s worse is that every girl in school is simply swooning over him. I’ve never understood the appeal of a ‘bad boy’. There are plenty of nice guys around that won’t give you a cold shoulder when you wave them hello in the hallway and glare at you menacingly from across the cafeteria, I would know, I’m one of them. But no, all the girls just have to have Nathaniel! Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel!  That’s all I ever hear. I wish I could get some recognition for once. 2.  Once again a girl has been turn down by our school’s very own Heathcliff. I believe she’s the sixth one this week, and it’s only Tuesday. I really don’t understand this guy. Seriously, he’s an enigma wrapped in myth wrapped in a mystery. If even one of the girls that has declared her love to him just glanced at me once, I would be ecstatic, but he couldn’t care less. You know something… he’s just lucky. The only reason anyone gives him a second glance is because of his good looks. Even I have to admit he’s handsome. His hair is red gold and fiery like the sun and his blue eyes shine like icy stars. His skin is pale and smooth, sprinkled lightly with light freckles. Nathaniel could easily pass for a Disney prince any day…

  

Discovery n.  /dɪˈskʌvərɪ/

A.noun. 1.The action of uncovering or fact of becoming uncovered; opening (of a bud, etc.) 2. The action of disclosing or divulging (anything secret or unknown); revelation, disclosure. 3. The action of displaying or manifesting (any quality); manifestation. 4. The unraveling or unfolding of the plot of a play, poem, etc. 5. The finding out or bringing to light of that which was previously unknown; making known.

B. event. 1. He’s been watching me. I’m sure of it. While I’m at my locker, walking down the hall, in class, at the cafeteria, I have this constant feeling that I’m being watched and when I look behind me he’s always there… glancing away. I’m going to keep my eye on him. This can’t just be me being weirdly paranoid. 2. He’s not even looking away anymore. Whenever I feel his eyes on me I look back, but now instead of peevishly glancing away as he did before, Nathaniel just stares intently. His gaze is intimidating. When I see his crystal blue eyes trained on me I get chills down my back, it’s surreal. I’m going to have to confront him before this goes too far. 3. Today I ran into Nathaniel in the hallway. I tripped and dropped my books and fulfilling his Disney prince role, he stopped to help me. It was like something out of a cheesy romance movie, simply nauseating. I did my best to avoid any contact with his hand, there was no way I was having a cliché moment with this kid. However, I could not have ever guessed what happened once we finished gathering everything up. When Nathaniel handed my last book he gazed at me once more with those piercing eyes of his, but this time instead of looking away I stared right back at him. At this, a deep pink blush appeared on his face and for a second… just a second I think he smiled. I was taken back. I had never seen him show even hint of emotion. All I can think about now is that is smile was beautiful.

  

Enlightenment, n. /ɛnˈlaɪtnm(ə)nt/

A. noun. 1. The action of bringing someone to a state of greater knowledge, understanding, or insight; the state of being enlightened in this way. Also: an instance of this. Rare before the 19th century. 2. The action or process of freeing human understanding from the accepted and customary beliefs sanctioned by traditional, esp. religious, authority, chiefly by rational and scientific inquiry into all aspects of human life, which became a characteristic goal of philosophical writing in the late 17th and 18th centuries. 3. Buddhism. The state of spiritual insight or awareness which frees a person from the cycle of suffering and rebirth; nirvana.

B. choice. 1. It’s been a week since that blush and that smile and now Nathaniel does not only plague my days with his gaze but also my nights. He is in my thoughts and in my dreams. What’s happened to me? Have I become like those mindless girls that fawn over him? No. I won’t let this happen, not over a simple smile. I’ve had crushes on boys before, but they were never this bad. Never to the point in which I’m secretly looking for him behind every corner, day dreaming about his hand brushing against mine, hoping to hear him call my name, “Demetri, Demetri”, and waiting to see his smile once more. I need to get him out of my mind. 2. Nathaniel’s been getting braver. He’s moved on from glances from across the room. Every once in a while he lingers by my desk in English class, and several times we’ve brushed shoulders while passing in the hallway. It’s like he’s realized I might actually be attracted to him and now he’s teasing me. This has turned into a game of cat and mouse but I’m not sure who the cat is and who’s the mouse. 3. I have come to terms with myself. I don’t know if I love Nathaniel but I do know that I lust for him and I do know that I want to love him. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and I decided to make my move. I want him to smile for me and only for me. I’m going to open up to him. I can only hope that I’ll have more luck than all the girls that have come before me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is from an assignment I had for my Experimental Writing Class last semester. We had to take three dictionary entries and borrow the form and create a narrative. I just remembered I hadn't posted when I posted the poem right before this. The poem is about seeing beyond how people are defined by themselves and others and I thought this plays on that as well. 

Definitions

Call me a liar

but believe my words.

Call me a dreamer

but trust in my visions.

Do not let your labels

define who I am.

For I have risen beyond them.

They are no longer truths.

Call me a sinner

but love my virtues.

Call me a traitor

but cherish my loyalty.

Your tags have fallen off

they no longer stick to my skin.

So leave behind your definitions,

and see me for who I am.

Forgotten

Forgotten memories tucked away

in a tattered envelope,

I sift through your thoughts

written on a journal page.

These were once your dreams,

why did you abandon them?

Why did you leave them, and I, behind?

Now, you are off chasing after

a goal someone else put in your mind.

You let them take you,

and all that you were.

All that’s left are these broken whispers

that echo when I sleep.

Still, I am waiting for your return,

lost in a sea of missed opportunities.

Would you blame me if doubt settles in?

I can’t help but wonder,

have you already tucked me away

in some yellowing folder

and hidden it from your sight?

Surely, I am already a forgotten memory,

just waiting to be sift through

by another abandoned heart.

My Heart

I have come to believe

that when you leave my side

my heart goes with you,

for it does not beat the same

when we are apart.

By your side,

there are moments when

my heart, it beats,

quickly, so quickly, you can feel it

fluttering against my chest.

And there are moments when

my heart, it beats

slowly, so slowly, you can feel it

still, skipping every thump.

But, when you are not near,

my heart is steady, monotonous,

as if it has been transformed

into a ticking clock

which merely counts the hours

that are left until you are

once more by my side. 

Unnecessary

Who are you to say everything is going to be okay?

Who are you to go around spreading false hopes?

You don’t know anything about us,

You don’t know anything about our hopes.

So back off, get off my case,

Because I don’t need you anyways.

You, I

You took my heart away,

and cast me to the side

leaving me alone to die.

You’ve got your dreams ahead,

and have left nothing behind

but a broken promise.

I don’t know what to do

with these haunting memories

of the future we had planned out.

I can’t help but think

maybe there was something

that I should have said.

For the boy who once wished to be an Astronaut

If every star in the sky was a thought of mine,
then the night would be lit by your smile.
And if I could fly and catch a star,
to keep by my side, underneath my pillow,
then my nights would never be dark
and my dreams would always be light.

I once dreamt of a flower, white and small.
It would grow only when watered by my tears,
it would bloom only when warmed by my laugh.
My dream flower grew and grew, but it would not bloom.
Not until the day the star fell from the sky
and pierced me in the heart.

I wish, I wish I truly could fill the stars with my thoughts
and light the night with your smile.
Because then I could fulfill your dreams,
as you fulfilled my own,
and help you reach the moon
and galaxies far beyond.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Alexander

Give and Take

What more can I give to you
           when I have given you all my heart?
What more can I give to you
           when I have given you all my life?

I have nothing left but these words
that I've pulled painfully from my thoughts
and placed shamefully on this paper.
These letters, words, sounds, sentences, truths, truths,
these are all I have left to give to you.

So take them.
Take them all.
Keep them close to where you keep my heart.
Keep them close to where you keep my life.

Take them
           and with them
                      all that I have left to give.

Dreamcatcher

The dreamcatcher on my wall,
I am sure that it knows all.
All my dreams, all my nightmares.
All my lied truths and failed dares.

It knows the nights when there are no dreams to catch,
only desperate thoughts onto which I latch.
It knows the nights when each twist and turn,
is a dream of you making my heart burn.

The dreamcatcher on my wall,
it has seen the pride before the fall.
And the tears of the newly humbled,
and the swears of times I've fumbled.

It knows the smiles of cherished times
when all the words fit with perfect rhymes.
It knows the pouts of poems unfinished
when all the verses have come out blemished.

The dreamcatcher it knows all.
The dreamcatcher on my wall.
The dreamcatcher on my wall.

Sins and Regrets

Is it alright to regret
more the things I have not done
than all the things I have?

My mistakes I've learned to accept
but not my yet unreached triumphs.
So much time I have wasted
dreaming of what I could be doing.

But must I mourn my fall to Sloth,
in hopes I will find my muse
when productivity becomes my virtue?

Or perhaps I must simply take hold
of all these sins and regrets,
and change them, morph them
into something new.

Break Down

I don't need anyone

to see me break down.

No one needs to watch as

my tears flow to the ground.

I want to live my life

without making a sound.

I have gone and lost myself

and I don’t want to be found.

My heart has been

hidden, tied and bound.

Now all there is left for me

is to let go and simply drown.

Drown.

Drown.

Drown in my own sorrow-filled tears.

Drown in the memories of my lost years.

Drown in my fears. Drown in my fears.

There isn’t enough

euphoria to go around.

Someone’s always cast aside,

lost in grief, but unable to frown.

I don't need anyone

to see me break down.

No one needs to watch as

my tears flow to the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the result from one of those poem fragments I posted a while back :)
Sorry for my long hiatus by the way, I'm back though! And I'm have a lot of stuff piled up to post, including some drawings!! I haven't posted art in a long time.

Girl With Stars In Her Pockets

             I know a girl with stars in her pockets. They are small, like her fingernails. They are made of paper, like my dreams. Each one is unique. She tells me they hold the secrets to different worlds. That with them, she can travel to new lands far, far away from here. Her stars are very powerful, which is why she keeps them safe in her jacket pockets. Safe in her pockets, where no one can unravel them, and destroy a universe or two.

            One day, I’m going to steal her stars so they can’t steal her from me.

~~~~~~~

This is prose poem is actually a sort of summary/ synopsis for a story idea I have and have been wanting to write. I attempt to start writing the story for NaNoWriMo but... 

A Plea Against Serenity

Serenity is only for

Those who don’t have a care in the world.

She is welcome by

Those that see no wrong to letting

Life go on as it does now—

Flawed and cruel.

You may envy Serenity’s children

And their naïve ignorance,

But I do not.

I say let them have their peace…

Just as long as they keep it to themselves.

I’ve no use for it.

Serenity is not for me.

I, who prefer

to stand tall with all

my worries. Because they

are what have kept me

going ,going, going, going

-surviving-

all this time.

  

If peace of mind means

I must forget

All the starving children living in the bloody streets,

All the broken hearted souls left behind in a dark corner,

All the wrongs that stain this world…

Then, instead,

Give me War!

A chance to fight back against the status quo.

Give me Revolution!

A chance to bring change to this rotting society.

Give me Vengeance!

A chance to amend the errors of humanity.

Serenity.

I will vanquish you, and cast you out from these lands.

Not because I despise you, but because

 I dream of you.

Serenity,

I will vanquish you.

So that later you may return

To a world that has truly earned you.

But until that time comes,

I will never end my crusade against you.

I will never succumb to you,

Beautiful Serenity. 

Day and Night

Glitter falls to the floor slowly

- a dream floating in the midday air-

an idea flying in the cool breeze.

Mother and daughter awake

-their midnight adventure begins-

the time of fairytales is now.

Gently, the sparkle finds its place

by the window and lays among the dust

catching stray sunbeams.

Over a fence and underneath tables,

past the cabins and into the woods-

A memory in the making.

A sparkle in the dark never glimmers

but in the light it reflects and refracts

 reality into fantasy.

A tale is told in the darkness,

told from mother to daughter,

blessed only by the moon and stars.

The Day, The Night,

They are things of beauty.
The Day, The Night,
They are things of wonder.
The Day, The Night,
They are things of magic.
The Day, The Night,
They are things of life.

~~~
Confession: I don't like the ending very much >_>
I think I need to go on with this, make it longer and change the ending. Yeah. 

The Hesitant Astronaut

I was told

That the sky was the limit

But I that should reach for the stars

Because if I failed at least

 I would land on the moon.

I was told

To wish upon a shooting star

And to keep my eyes turned skyward

Because space was the last frontier

And one day I would reach it.

I was told. I was told.

And there was a time that I believed

All those clichés and half assed comments.

 I’m not so sure anymore.

Because there is still so much I have not

Seen right here on the ground.

Space is the mistress that

I used to dream of…

But

I have found pleasures here on Earth

That she could never gift me.

Once upon a time

I would have given anything

To leave this atmosphere

But today I finally see 

That I’d much rather stay here.

Where I can admire the stars from afar

And have the ones I love by my side.

~~~~~~~~~
Had to write a poem for Creative Writing class titled "The Hesitant Astronaut".
It's alright x3 I got to use cliches again ;D~!

Speaking of Stream-of-Consciousness ...

Stream-of-Consciousness

Why is my mind so scattered these days?

I can’t concentrate

I can’t even think

because every time I stop

you show up in the back of my mind

and all my focus flows to you.

I think of that day we first met

both too shy to say much

 but you laughed at my jokes

and I laughed at yours

and that day you first opened

 up to me after a long joyful night

you told me your secrets

and I told you mine

it seems that

nothing else matters

anymore

you are all I need

I want to laugh and cry and hold you tight

I just need to be by your side

 you’ve stolen my life

and I don’t even want it back

I hate that I love you

I love you I love you

                                                            I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since I'm revealing the secrets of my process ;) , here's what this poem looked like once upon a time: 

Rough draft:

Why is my mind so scattered these days?

I can’t concentrate

I can’t even think

Because every time I stop

You show up in the back of my mind

And you laugh and you cry and you hold me tight

And all my focus flows to you.

Nothing else matters.

I love you I love you

 I hate that I love you

Because you’ve stolen my life

And I won’t every get it back.

I don’t even want it.

All I want is to be by your side

So I can laugh and cry and hold you tight.

You are all I need.

Nothing else matters. 

The run-ons of lies, dreams and fantasies

Oh look, another random post on how I write stuff! :D I'm pretty sure I do those more for my benefit than anyone else's. Helps me straighten out my mind, haha.

Anyways, sometimes I like to just sit down and write whatever comes to mind. Stream-of-consciousness style. ;3 Usually what I get out of it is a never-ending flow of sentences that sound cool individually but ridiculous when put together. Like the poem-thing below. There are many parts of it that I like, a lot, but then I read it all at once... and... well... it's not the best thing ever. 

What will most likely come of this is me stealing random bits from this and making them their own piece. 

~~~~

To say that I didn’t need you

Would be lying to you.

To say that I didn’t want you

Would be lying to myself.

But the truth leaves me speechless

I don't know what to say anymore.

My mind has stopped- frozen-

I am frozen in this moment

Of utter bliss.

…

 I hope.

I hope it's never-ending

This feeling that has made me

Its ever willing prisoner.

Oh yes!

I can’t help but wish and dream

That it won’t ever- Ah! A Dream. 

This must be a dream.

That would explain everything.

It would explain

Why I can’t stop smiling day and night

Why I can’t stop grinning like a fool

Why I can’t stop thinking about you

Why I can’t stop rambling on and on

Why.

I .

Can’t.

Stop.

Loving.

Every.

Phrase.

That.

I.

Am.

With.

You.

And .

Hating.

Every.

Sentence.

We.

Are.

Apart.

…

Indeed, this is a fantasy, is it not?

It has all the perfect moments to make it so.

A stroke of serendipity bestowed upon me

While I lay awake pretending to slumber.

Perhaps this means

The stars of my mind have finally decided

I am worthy of reward—

That.

That is why they are shining so brightly,

Guiding me straight to you

By outshining the sun itself.

Surely, nothing else explains this.

I have escaped reality finally

And you were my portal- my escape.

…

I wonder.

Is pretending this is a lovely dream

Lying to the both of us?

If so it’s a beautiful lie

and one I’m willing to keep up,

But only until the day

The truth overcomes the fantasy.

Because when that day comes

I will let go of the hold I have on this dream

And gladly fall into reality’s arms.

Lies may be sweet and comforting,

But

honest love

can never be conquered.

Until then,

I will willingly live among these

lies, dreams and fantasies.

You Gave It To Him

You gave it to him,
His reason to live.
His reason to give.
And then you took it from him.

He smiled for you.
He sang for you.
He killed for you.
But you still left him behind.

Why?

What is the purpose
of changing someone's life
for the better, forever...

When in the end
             you break their heart?

When in the end
             you crush their dreams?

When in the end
              you take away their breath
leaving them cold, still,
               lifeless.

You gave it to him.
The gun.
The despair.
The reason.

You gave it to him,
Before you said goodbye.
As you walked out the door.
After you disappeared.

Now, you're gone
and so is he.
But I am here.
Only I remain.

Alone.

I wish you had given it to me instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was a poem I wrote back in September or October. It was for my Creative Writing class, we had to open a book, pick a sentence at random and then use it to make a poem or a story or whatever we could think of.

My sentence was "You gave it to him." from Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle.

Hold Your Hand

I am not quite sure where to go from here.

A touch on your arm, a lean on your shoulder

Can I even hold your hand?

Let me whisper a secret in your ear

 I never want this feeling to be over

All I want is to hold your hand.

You are now my darling, my dear

And slowly I’m growing bolder

Yes, someday soon,

I’m going to hold your hand.  

Geek And Proud of It

Hey you, look at me
tell what it is you see--
Pocket protector and thick square glasses,
knee high socks and books from Honor's classes.
Equations in my hands,
calculator in my pants.
Do you think I don't hear
the names they shout and jeer?
They call me a nerd, a dork, a geek
hopin' to make me feel weak!
But they just don't understand
I don't have a need for any fans!
What I've learned from every book on my shelf
is that i need to be true to myself.
Now is the time for me to admit:
I AM A GEEK AND I'M PROUD OF IT!

I know all the elements of the periodic table.
I can recite from memory every Aesop fable.
Every Saturday night I play Dungeons and Dragons
and I'm a member of obsessive anime fandoms.
To me Magic is more than just a card game
and leveling over 9000 is a good claim to fame.
I've plotted world domination since middle school
and I really believe LARPing is cool.
Steal my comic books and I'll throw a fit:
'CAUSE I AM A GEEK AND I'M PROUD OF IT!

I collect action figures, not sissy dolls.
The only spheres I can throw are pokeballs.
I can tell you every reason Green Lantern and his light,
could never beat Batman in a fight.
(Other than the fact that "yellow"  is a stupid weakness
and Batman is the definition of epicness.)
To "Live Long and Prosper" is my life ambition
as is joining the Jedi Knight coalition.
My perception of reality is fuzzy like 18 bit:
CAUSE I AM A GEEK AND I'M PROUD OF IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My last few poems have been kinda dreary... So here's something fun! I wrote this over the summer and never got a chance to type it up. I'm hoping to expand it at some point... and maybe fix some of those half-rhymes...